It can almost sound silly but it has been very difficult for me to form a good relationship with our new house so far. When we first walked in it, I loved it. It was perfect for what mom and I needed currently and it was even more perfect for a family to grow into for the future. It gave me a sense of comfort at the time, knowing that the big decision I was making to move back in with my mother, as an adult, in order to give her what she needed...was the right thing to do and that it would make us all happy. After the first day of moving in, it quickly became the house where I lost all independence. The home with nosy neighbors when I was used to living out in the woods where no one cared what I did or even knew my name. The house where I lost all privacy after living alone for 4 years. The 4,000 square feet of materials that I had to clean all by myself when it used to only be 900. The place that everyone called beautiful and enormous and I called "too much." The four walls that I was constantly buying stuff to fill with instead of filling it with my love and gratitude. The place that I slept, ate, fought and yelled at. Every day felt like a war that I was losing, with my mother, and myself.
This morning was the first time I've felt the connection I've been looking for. The sun rose through the green leaves changing to red, shining a stunning color into my living room as I drank my coffee and adored the beauty that this home is bringing me. The gratitude for all of the days I get to spend with my mother that are making up for the time I lost with her as a child. The gratefulness of a loving boyfriend that I finally get to imagine a family with that will one day call this the home they grew up in. The strength that I'm gaining in order to provide for this home in any way that I can. The memories that we will build here and remember long after all of the things are gone. The patience I'm gaining in order to be a better human for not only myself, but those around me. I know that the beginnings of this connection will also help me grow a deeper connection with my mother and help the both of us appreciate our fucked up situation even better! Do you have something or someone in your life that you're having a hard time connecting with? If so, try starting off each day by saying aloud 1 thing that makes you happy or proud about this person/thing or a positive way that it impacts you. If you can't think of one thing each day for a full week, than its quite possible that you weren't meant to form a connection and that it is not meant for your path. AND THAT IS OKAY :) If you can, than you will slowly see after just one week, a new light shinning through whatever was mentally blocking you in the first place. Connections are key in life, form them wherever you go!
