Yea, I'm Somewhere on a Beach

Whenever there is a screaming child in the room or a friend has a new baby, my mother often exclaims about how I used to play so well on my own when I was a child. I could make a fun time out of nothing and didn't need constant attention or someone to play with in order to be happy. She always said that my sister was the exact opposite and at times I wondered how we ended up so different but this reminds me that we were different from the very beginning. Some people believe that our experiences growing up is what makes us into the type of people we are, and although it does to some extent, this observation proves that most of it comes from the start of conception. This is called our Constitution. Your personality, microbiome, body type...so many other things were developed based on what time of year you were conceived, what climate, diet and habits your mother had while pregnant, how you were delivered, and so on. These are the unique things about you that cannot be changed. Although I am extremely proud of my independence and love when my mother brags on me, this part of my constitution can be difficult to deal with at times. I enjoy alone time, I don't like or want to be the center of attention, I love spending time getting to know myself without anyone else's opinion, my favorite things to do are read books and listen to the sounds of nature....alone! As you get older, alone barely exists. I have an amazing forever partner so I don't sleep alone. I am my mothers caretaker so I do not eat or watch TV alone. I have a dog and 2 cats so I do not poop alone! When you live this kind of life, as the loner with too much going on, it can make you anxious. Almost like you're gasping for a type of air that doesn't exist. You can never know for sure if you'll ever find it so every day becomes a search for something and everything else seems to lose its meaning in the midst of the search. You find places to hide for a little bit or things to do "alone" but the air is still to thick with reminders of the things and people you have to handle when you come "back." The funny part is that as I get older, I also appreciate the loudness even more. The things that give me pure joy are the things inside said chaos. In order for me to embrace both sides of this crazy adult-ness, I have decided to go somewhere I've never been, completely alone, whenever I can. I have thought over and over that I will do this once everyone is OK and taken care of or when I have enough money or am more settled and don't have so many responsibilities...so I've been waiting a while, go figure.

Today was ALMOST another one of those days. I had planned all week, knowing that I finally had no work to do this weekend. That our home closing got pushed back so I wouldn't be in the middle of moving. Now would be the perfect time to get back to ME for a little bit. As the rain fell down my bedroom window all night, I had an overwhelming feeling that I wouldn't get that chance just yet. I wanted to go to the beach...and this was no weather for the beach. I woke up this morning, looked out the window and just said "Fuck it!" I made my mother breakfast, told her I'd see her for dinner and to be careful and I began to head south. The sky was one big sea of dark grey and I had no idea what I was getting myself into and that thought almost immediately calmed me. I silenced my phone and finally reached my destination an hour and a half later. Although I had planned for a beautiful and sunny day with me, myself and I, I quickly realized that this nasty weather brought me true alone-ness that I wouldn't have gotten on a regular Saturday in Spring. There was no one around, all I could hear were the birds chirping, the waves lightly crashing and the drizzle hitting rooftops. 

I walked the given path, enjoying the scenery and history. Rang the bell and vibrated with it's calming sound. Looked to the waters and breathed the deepest breath I had ever taken. Then I placed a bag on the wet bench on the dock, sat down and enjoyed one of my favorite books. A book that talks about food as healing but also everything else that comes along with it, and I knew I was in the right place at the right time. At times it was hard to concentrate on the book because on a post right behind me was an Osprey nest with it's momma flying overhead, swooping into the water to catch fish and bring back to her nest. It was a magnificent distraction!
 
For the first time in a while, I knew that although everything was not perfect or in place and that some things were even out of control, that it was all still in my control. That things would work out the way they were suppose to and I would still survive with whatever the outcome may be. That through the chaos you can still find yourself and be at peace even if you aren't completely alone. And most 
importantly that the crazy times and not being able to poop alone are the very things that help you appreciate the moments and opportunities you used to take for granted. I found that unattainable air and intend to keep it in a jar nearby for safe keeping and reminding that everything you could possibly want or need is right in your reach, you just have to know what you're looking for and make the moves. Don't wait for the perfect day or time, you'll be waiting forever without realizing that life is already perfect. 

Am I crazy for loving myself and wanting to embrace it alone? Possibly. But we're all different and need to embrace whatever it is that makes us happy in order to be healthy and successful humans. Do you take time to yourself or to do the things that heal your heart? Share your experiences with the class below and spread the love 😍